Destitude Eyes

There’s a destitute in mine eyes,
I’ve felt in my heart
The days of yore have come
to haunt me
The emptiness, the unfulfilled
Loved the fun
As a child not understanding
the angst or depression,
not knowing love
only capturing the moment's
journey and its effects of
temporary joy or the pain
of falling scraping my hands
on the concrete pavement while playing
I recall, so poignantly, laying in bed
with the lights off, crying
I didn’t know why my tears
incessantly flowed but I
cried and cried and cried
I wanted so much to be loved but
I didn’t know if I had or have been
or I have loved. The days and years
have gone by so quickly without
enough embraces, enough hugs
I'm thinking it’s from my childhood
wishes, now in reflection, for how
I felt so much emptiness when
others always seem to have so much
Then as I grew older and more
was made available to me
I squandered the riches provided only
because all I now wanted was to have fun
Fun that I didn’t have when younger
I squandered my moments with family,
moments with friends just so
I could go and have fun
Never though did this fun fill that
emptiness, that loneliness,
that feeling of being alone
As time pressed on, money, sex, cars
drink, food, all these things couldn’t fill the void
and still, they don’t. I'm still trying to learn to love
to find value in my life wanting to find
something, something that’s been missing
since my childhood. Our biological father leaving
'mamasita' and us all alone. Alone before I knew
if  I would be, or could be loved