My frustration seems to have grown directly resulting from the pain that is constant and prevalent in different parts of my body. Although I am cognizant of my accumulating years of aging, I still can’t accept that these pains are or should be present just because of aging. I know that they are manifesting themselves now because in my youth when I would injure myself I would not address the immediate need for the necessary medical attention. If I broke a bone or tore some ligature, I wouldn’t go have it examined and therefore my body part injured would heal on it’s own. That is, the pain would eventually subside and the damaged area would fuse into the deformed state relative to the injury. I have crooked thumbs, deformed and irregularly slanted big toe, a shoulder clavicle joint that is displaced with a promontory bone and a nose that has been broken sufficiently on both sides that it now sits almost cosmetically straight on my face, without deformity.
All these injuries are now antagonizing the state of peace that should be present in my retiring stage in life. Not retirement from life but just from the otherwise physical activity that was so integral in my more youthful years. The pains are to a level of distress that my comportment and desire for a daily positive experience and sharing it with others, is disrupted. Yes, I still enjoy the crimson rising sun and the many diverse sounds of nature at play but the irritation of the constant battle with this antithesis of calm and restful mindset is always present. My attempts at distraction through pain medication, through physical and mental activity, give me few moments of a pleasured respite. I have actually attempted to ask Jesus for some empathy. The anguish of this pain has risen to this level. There are moments where I battle with the thoughts of the ultimate resolve in extricating this pain, the thought of that conflict between an embattled, defeated body and the possibility of a supposed restful sleep.